Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Low Days

I'm in a funk. I've been in a funk for a while. Is it the midwinter blahs? Probably not because it's not midwinter yet. Is it cabin fever? Probably not because I'm not a "stay at home even when it's cold" kind of girl. It might be grief I'm running from by keeping frantically busy. Could be that. I'm frustrated and irritated and morose--and I freaking hate it. I hate the way I feel. I hate that I sneak around eating all manner of bad things that negate any smart eating or exercise I do. (And who exactly do I think I'm cheating on??? Myself, that's who.) I want to have a running, stomping, screaming fit all over the place but I'm too repressed to do that. (Yeah, I find that hard to believe too.) So I think I'm going to stop. Stop doing and going and meeting, all the things that I do to get out of the house and out of my head. I'll still go knitting on Friday nights and do yoga with Mardi then. I'll still walk with Skully on Tuesdays and Fridays. And I'll still write before bed and post here the next day. But I need to stop, sit still, and listen to my thoughts and my heart. I need to stop shoulds-ing myself into a blur. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm tired of feeling this way. (Sorry to be such a downer today but I'm hoping it helps to put it down in black and white, hoping that acknowledging how I'm feeling instead of denying it will help it GO AWAY so I can get back to being me.)



January 24--Greek, Earrings with Disk and Boat-Shaped Pendant. Pia hated the gold betrothal earrings. "They're too heavy," she said. "They're so heavy they'll stretch my ear lobes until they hand below my chin." Her mother touched her own earlobes where her own betrothal earrings hung. They were gold but nowhere near as ornate as Pia's were. Adis' father owned most of the land on this side of the mountains. Pia was lucky to be marrying into such a wealthy family. Pia stood at the mirror with tears streaking her clear skin. "They feel like anchors, like great weights bearing me down under Mrs. Kondoladis' thumb."


And that's when I fell asleep, just after I managed to put my glasses and notebook on the nightstand. It's a tired time of year.

--Barbara

3 comments:

Robin Chapman said...

A hibernating time... the light IS coming back, though! hugs, love

Terri said...

My friend, take the time to grieve. Please know that sometimes, when the grieving can't be done alone, please call, I will grieve with you.

Aunt B said...

You wouldn't be human not to be sad after all that's happened in the past three months. I know it's good to keep busy but you did an ENORMOUS amount of work getting through November and December. You're in a letdown and a funk and have a bad case of the blahs -- maybe "the grey sickness" remember that? Maralee and I used to think mother cured that with Geritol. Don't think that's still out there though!!! Hang in there. It's going to get better. Love you --- XXXXX